


Ugly Words

by A_Fantasist



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam Parrish is Bad at Feelings, Adam-Centric, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Pynch Week, Ronan Lynch Has Feelings, also farming, and cry, and fight, boys crying, but seriously this is just angst angst angst, pynchweek17, relatable tag amiright, sad bisexuality, they fight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-01 18:00:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11491683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Fantasist/pseuds/A_Fantasist
Summary: “What are you doing here?”The words were spat out, like the bitter and foul tasting things they were. Adam hated himself for saying them even as they came out of his mouth. He hadn’t slept in days, his voice was hoarse from trying not to cry, and Ronan was standing in front of him, soaked from the rain and painted gold from the cheap hallway light, looking like the god he was.





	Ugly Words

**Author's Note:**

> I've never participated in a ship week before, and I'm only doing this one. But prompts are fun :)
> 
> Pynch week 2017, day 3 prompt: "What are you doing here?"
> 
> Basically, I needed to practice angry dialogue, and I was super tired and I can only ever write angst when I'm tired, so here's how that went.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

The words were spat out, like the bitter and foul tasting things they were. Adam hated himself for saying them even as they came out of his mouth. He hadn’t slept in days, his voice was hoarse from trying not to cry, and Ronan was standing in front of him, soaked from the rain and painted gold from the cheap hallway light, looking like the god he was. 

 

They had fought. They had fought ten days ago, over everything they had ever fought about, but all at once and louder than usual. 

 

They fought about Opal.

_“She’s as much mine as she is yours, and you know it!”_

_“She’s not your fucking responsibility!”_

_“I want her to be, Ronan! I want to help you with her, why can’t you just let me?”_

 

And they had fought about The Barns.

_I’m not going to make fucking soap or cheese or jam or whatever the fuck.”_

_“You need to have some sort of income to keep this place maintained. I’m just saying, those aren’t exactly prime beef cattle out there.”_

_“I know, Parrish. Shit, I think I know how to run my own damn home!”_

 

They had fought about college.

_“It’s only six more years!”_

_“Six years? Six, Parrish? You’re gonna visit twice a year for six years and that’s gonna keep this going? That’s a really lonely way to have a relationship, Adam.”_

_“I’m not worried about getting lonely. Are you?... Ronan?”_

_“Not about me! I mean, I’ll miss you like hell, but I’m not the one surrounded by people who wanna screw me!”_

_“Are you seriously worried I’m going to cheat on you?!”_

_“Maybe I fucking am!”_

 

And they had fought about Adam’s apartment.

_“Just let me pay for the fucking thing, you know I can afford it!”_

_“No! Lay off, would you! I’m letting you pay my rent for another goddamn time! I’ve got two jobs, I can pay for my own place to sleep. God, why can’t you just let me pay for my own fucking stuff, you’re as bad as Gansey sometimes I fucking swear!”_

 

They had fought about Gansey,

_“He never played favorites, and you know it!”_

_“Yes, he fucking did. ‘Parrish this’ and ‘Adam that’ and ‘Look out world, self-made-man, star pupil of Aglionby, full-time workaholic Adam Parrish is a goddamn miracle! Let me lay down and die in a ditch for him!’”_

_“He did that for you! You were dying, Ronan, god damn it! You were dying on the road and Opal was dying in the car, and Matthew was dying in DC and it was raining blood! He died to save you!”_

 

And Cabeswater, 

_“When did this even start? I didn’t start liking you till after I sold my soul to your damn mind forest. How do I know you didn’t just put be under a fucking love spell and make me like you?”_

_“I’ve been asking you that since day one and you’ve always told me it was all you. Every time.”_

_“Yeah, well maybe I’m not so sure any more.”_

 

And St. Agnes,

_“You bribed the nuns?!”_

_“Well, it wasn’t like you were going to find any place else cheap enough to fit your budget!”_

_“If you hadn’t got arrested, I wouldn’t have had to get a new place.”_

_“Are you fucking serious? He would’ve killed you before summer!”_

 

And the BMW,

_“Just keep the fucking car, Parrish.”_

_“But it was your dad’s and-”_

_“Yeah, and now it’s yours.”_

_“I don’t even use it at college. I walk everywhere.”_

_“Yeah, and I bet it’s a real nice walk from New Haven to Singer Falls.”_

 

And the interstate.

_“It’s seven hours! I can meet you halfway!”_

_“It’s not the same and you know it. Opal wouldn’t get to see you. We’d spent the whole day in a hotel room. We’d get five, maybe six hours together, before you had to go back.”_

_“It’s better than nothing.”_

_“Well, I don’t know about you, but when I get to see my boyfriend, I usually like for it to be for more than just fucking.”_

_“It’s not just fucking to me! Do you really think that's how I see it?!”_

_“Sometimes I wonder!”_

 

They had fought about engagement rings. 

_“Of course I love you, but I’m not ready for that!”_

_“Obviously I know that, or I wouldn’t be hiding them in the nightstand every damn morning.”_

 

They had fought about Kavinsky.

_“He was just a stupid mistake.”_

_“He meant something to you.”_

_“Of course he meant something to me! He was the first boy to be interested in me! And he fucking killed himself three feet away from me! It’s not like that would make a big fucking impact on me or anything! But I wasn’t in love with him!”_

_“Are you sure?”_

_“Of course I’m fucking sure!”_

 

They had fought about everything. And then they had stopped. 

They had each yelled something, and stood in silence, weighing the other’s words. And then Adam had gone upstairs, packed his things, and left in the Hondoyota.

He had driven seven hours back to school, gone to class, done his homework, and gotten a blowjob from someone down the hall. He had gone to work and worked some more, and then he came home and did his homework, and stared at the ceiling until the sun came up. He went to class and work and class and work and class and work. He did his homework and fucked a girl for the first time. He did more homework and stayed at home and looked at pictures of Opal and Chainsaw and The Barnes on the phone Ronan had dreamed up for him. He went to class. He went to work. He stared at the ceiling until the sun came up. He went to class. He went to work.

And then there had been a knock and the door, and bitter words hung in the air between the king’s magicians. 

“What are you doing here?”

Such ugly words.

Adam almost didn’t want to know the answer. He almost shut the door in Ronan’s face. He almost flung himself into Ronan’s arms. He almost started crying. 

Almost.

Such an ugly word.

“Adam.” Ronan said. He said it like the answer, not just to the question ‘what are you doing here?’ but to every question ever asked. He said it like a prayer. He said it like an apology. He said it like his heart was breaking. He said it like his voice was hoarse from trying not to cry.

“What are you doing here?” Adam asked again. Softer this time. So quiet he could barely hear himself. But if he spoke any louder his voice would break.

“Please.” Ronan said, putting a hand on the door to keep it open. As if Adam would close the door on him.

“Please, Adam.” Ronan repeated.

Adam nodded and moved aside to let him in. Ronan slid past, careful not to brush against him.

“Adam…”

“What are you doing here?” The exhaustion was hitting him. He was so, so tired.

“I don’t know a fucking thing about raising a girl, especially one that’s half goat.” Ronan seemed nervous. He was fiddling with his bracelets like he hadn’t in years.

“Ok…?”

“Help me. I don’t know, help me be a dad. Help me raise her. Shit, man, help me be a mom, I don’t fucking care, just… She misses you.” Adam’s floor was apparently very interesting. “We both miss you like hell.”

“Ronan-”

“I’m growing alfalfa. I hadn’t told you because you’re always so busy and I didn’t want to bother you with stupid farming shit, but I’ve got a two thousand acres of dreamt alfalfa. I‘m gonna harvest half of it and sell the rest for seed. And you know I’ve got that massive garden of dream veggies, and I’m gonna take that shit to the farmer’s market this summer. And Declan’s been giving me royalties or whatever every time he sells something of Dad’s. And I’m gonna have a fucking pumpkin patch this fall, and there’s already that apple orchard down by the south gate so I’m just gonna open that all up and let people come pick gourds and shit at harvest time.”

“What are you-”

“And I don’t fucking care how long it takes, I want you to finish college and be successful, even if it means I never get to see you. Even if I never see you again, I want you to be happy. Because.. because damn it, Adam, you deserve-  you deserve every shred of joy in this entire goddamn world.” Ronan was crying. Adam hadn’t realized it till now, but his face wasn’t just wet from the rain. He was crying. He was _sobbing_. “And I don’t know about Cabeswater. I have no fucking clue if I brainwashed you into loving me. I don't have an answer for that. I probably never will, and this might just be a thing that haunts us forever. But I have been so damn in love with you since the day we met and I’m never gonna stop loving you, Adam. You’re it for me. That’s all there is to it. I love you now, and I loved you then, and I’m going to love you until I fucking drop dead.” He wiped the sleeve of his jacket savagely across his face and sniffed loudly.

 

They stood there in silence, weighing Ronan’s words. And then Adam stepped forward and wrapped his arms around him. Ronan buried his face in Adam’s neck and took a shaky breath. They held each other for a long time. 

“Come to bed, Ronan.” Adam whispered. It wasn't everything, but they would get there. Just not tonight. He was too tired. They would talk in the morning. “We’ll talk in the morning. Come to bed.”

He helped Ronan shrug off his clothes and they both climbed into Adam’s double bed. Adam wrapped himself around Ronan. To anchor him. To keep him real. “Stay.” He whispered.

 

In the morning, when Ronan woke up with the sun on his face, Adam reached across and plucked the ring from Ronan’s palm and slipped it onto his  finger. 

They talked, low and soft and hopeful.

**Author's Note:**

> idk man I wrote this at 2am


End file.
